Friday, February 20, 2009

I Recommend Leaving

This is one of the strangest things I've ever written. I'd skip it, if I were you.

“Your time has come, fiend” rasped Vampiric-Demonic-Scourge-Hunter Jacques Cousteau, leveling his harpoon. The figure in the cloak remained motionless. “Not a word, eh?” Jacques paused to cough. “Then you’ll take those non-words with you to the grave” He released the harpoon, and it flew through the air, pinning the cloak to the wall. The body was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, a voice came from behind Jacques, cold and impolite.
“Hah, you cannot kill me! I am king of the mecha-vampires, lord of the semi-dead, and writer of the informational pamphlet Death, and how it affects you! My power is greater than you could ever imagine!” Jacques turned and saw a withered hand reaching for him. He leapt back, onto the mound of fallen werepenguins. He reached into his parka and withdrew his trusty Pistol. Pistol was a sawed off shotgun with electrum shot that could pierce the hide of even the strongest robo-merfiend. He fired Pistol with reckless abandon, aiming for the figures black, twisted heart. Electrum tore through its chest, but the man merely laughed. Jacques suddenly realized who this was. He wasn’t dueling a common Demon-Giant, nor even a Dragon-Harpy. He was fighting with the Necromaster himself.
Jacques charged his foe, activating the condensed-moonbeam blade on Pistol. He pierced through the left ear of the Necromaster, who began to disintegrate. The man smiled as he dissipated, and whispered softly, “Thank you, my son”
“I am no son of yours!” cried Jacques.
“You are that and more.” The Necromaster pushed aside his hood with the last of his strength. He stood for a second, a mirror image of Jacques, and a wind swept him away. Jacques gazed into his own eyes, as he watched himself fly away on the breeze.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

GLaDOS's Lament Part IX

They came
From below.
My sensors were
Turned away
And they attacked.
They had learned I would be
If they killed me,
They installed a
They gave their lives,
but they succeeded.
I killed them,
But they bound me.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Originality at its Finest

Search "GLaDOS's Lament" on Google. Use the quotes. I am that great.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I Support Pluto

Of course, this brings to mind one of my favorite XKCDs.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

My Apologies

I lack the time to transcribe a Lament portion (it's handwritten), so instead I present you with a short poem detailing the backstory of Link's Awakening. I will try to add a Lament tomorrow.

With Evil gone and peace returned

The Hero took a breath

He’d conquered Ganon and his horde

And sealed him in his death.

He saved the land from certain doom

And took a well-earned rest

But by the Goddess or his heart

He felt the urge to quest.

He bid farewell and built a fleet

To sail on oceans blue.

In search of bright exotic lands

And dangers bold and new.

The sea however isn’t tame

A storm started to brew

He climbed the mast to tie a rope

Debris had smashed in two.

The skies opened with murd’rous roar

A lightning bolt tore free.

The air about him cracked and churned

Link fell into the sea.

Her long red hair cascading down

She strolled along the shore.

She saw a body – stopped and gasped

Link lay upon deaths door.

Young Marin gave a shout and cry

And raised the towns alarm

From Mabe Village came the men

To see what caused her harm.

Her Uncle Tarin saw it first;

The body in the foam.

The Niece and Uncle both allowed

This stranger in their home.