I stared at my five-year-old younger brother, trying to figure out why he was eating Smoky's Fancy Feast (Smoky was our cat), and crying--or, at least, trying to make himself cry. "Ben, what are you doing?" I asked cautiously.
"Trying to make Smoky come here! I don't know where she went, and I want to play!"
What the... "How is eating her food going to make her come here?"
"That's what Homer said last night!"
"Homer who? Simpson? Ben, why were you watching The Simpsons?" I inwardly squirmed at the thought of what my parents would say if they knew he was watching that.
"I just turned the TV on, and he was there. But then I changed the channel," Ben explained with the patience of a parent explaining something to a child. I smiled as that image came to mind. "Don't laugh at me!"
I quickly composed my face. "I'm not laughing at you, Ben; don't worry. But what did Homer say?"
"He said that eating a bunch of dog food and crying would make their dog come back, 'cause he ran away. I wanted to play with Smoky, so I'm eating her food and crying."
I sighed, and tried desperately not to laugh. "Ben, he wasn't really saying that eating pet food was a good idea. He was just explaining to his kids that they should go look for their dog."
"Oh." Ben looked at the can of Fancy Feast in his hand, and ran to the sink, spitting out the cat food. "Icky! Why didn't you tell me I didn't have to eat cat food?"
"I didn't know you were planning on it," I laughed. "Come on, let's brush your teeth to get the fish flavor out, okay?"
I rolled my eyes. Life lessons from The Simpsons... brilliant...
Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back... unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog--Homer Simpson.