Sunday, August 25, 2019
Thursday, May 24, 2018
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Friday, October 14, 2016
Kritik der Vernunft
Regard the polls: their numbers swell!
Behold their lofty heights!
For they proclaim my lofty name
And promise you your rights.
For Crooks upon the other side
(And also their machine
Of China, blacks, and media
And all those in between
Which preys upon--doubt not my word
I am Veracity
Made manifest in manly flesh
And so tremendously--
Which prey upon you ev'ry day
And ev'ry wretched night--
Their scandals, which, I must maintain,
Alone I brought to light
And which are true on ev'ry front
And some yet to be seen
Though I could tell you--I defer
For that may be thought mean.
The emails and the FBI
And Watergate, who knows?
And maybe worse, I hear such things
I know such awful woes.
I ask you but to give your vote
Into mytiny groping orange human open hands
I'll bring, like 2 Corinthians
New Justice to these lands.
Behold their lofty heights!
For they proclaim my lofty name
And promise you your rights.
For Crooks upon the other side
(And also their machine
Of China, blacks, and media
And all those in between
Which preys upon--doubt not my word
I am Veracity
Made manifest in manly flesh
And so tremendously--
Which prey upon you ev'ry day
And ev'ry wretched night--
Their scandals, which, I must maintain,
Alone I brought to light
And which are true on ev'ry front
And some yet to be seen
Though I could tell you--I defer
For that may be thought mean.
The emails and the FBI
And Watergate, who knows?
And maybe worse, I hear such things
I know such awful woes.
I ask you but to give your vote
Into my
I'll bring, like 2 Corinthians
New Justice to these lands.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Cutthroat
Cutthroat Kitchen
Was dead.
It got
Predictable.
Repetitive.
Boring.
Alton asked for
One
More chance.
One
Last episode.
America tuned in.
Horrified.
As he sawed.
"Twenty-thousand dollars
To chop off
A competitor's
Arm?
That's a Cutthroat
Record."
His grin was
Crazed.
"Now,
Who will start
The bidding,
To replace all of
One competitor's
Proteins
With the arm?"
Food Network ordered
Three more seasons.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
The Fairest in the Land I
Once upon a time, there was a sad and lonely lesbian who had been trapped in her metaphorical tower for far too much of her life. She had searched high and low for a worthy maiden with whom she could while away the hours, but there were so few to meet in her metaphorical tower that she soon exhausted herself in the search.
"Someday, I will find a maiden," she whispered to herself at night. "Someday, I shall know true love's kiss." But as the days turned into months and then years, she began to despair of it ever coming true.
One of these nights, the sad and lonely lesbian decided that she had had enough of being sad and lonely and simply whispering her wishes into her pillow. She pulled out her SmartMirror, tapped her reflection, and murmured, "Mirror, mirror, in my hand, show me the fairest in the land." Immediately, a host of maidens appeared on her SmartMirror: maidens who were fair of face, of words, of personality, of humor, of kindness - so much more than she had ever seen in her metaphorical tower!
The joyous lesbian - for she was neither sad nor lonely anymore - began to converse, to debate, to discuss with fair maidens from many lands with varying degrees of success. Though she did not immediately find a fair maiden with whom she could share true love's kiss, she did make many new friends. And, she reasoned, that could be enough, could it not? Finding others who understood, who had lived in similar metaphorical towers? Yet the more she tried to convince herself that this was all she needed, the more her secret desire to find a maiden grew. Each night, she asked to see the fairest in the land, but still to no avail.
Until one night, when her SmartMirror replied to her, "My lady, you've got mail." She tapped its surface and saw that someone had indeed sent her a message through their own SmartMirror. "I noticed you enjoy the works of Rebecca Sugar," the maiden wrote. "Might I inquire as to your favorite of her creations?"
"Surely Garnet, although I find Pearl to bear a remarkable resemblance to my own mind," the now even more joyous lesbian responded with a smile emoji. Waiting for her companion's reply, she began to wonder anew: could this be the maiden with whom I will share true love's kiss?"
"Someday, I will find a maiden," she whispered to herself at night. "Someday, I shall know true love's kiss." But as the days turned into months and then years, she began to despair of it ever coming true.
One of these nights, the sad and lonely lesbian decided that she had had enough of being sad and lonely and simply whispering her wishes into her pillow. She pulled out her SmartMirror, tapped her reflection, and murmured, "Mirror, mirror, in my hand, show me the fairest in the land." Immediately, a host of maidens appeared on her SmartMirror: maidens who were fair of face, of words, of personality, of humor, of kindness - so much more than she had ever seen in her metaphorical tower!
The joyous lesbian - for she was neither sad nor lonely anymore - began to converse, to debate, to discuss with fair maidens from many lands with varying degrees of success. Though she did not immediately find a fair maiden with whom she could share true love's kiss, she did make many new friends. And, she reasoned, that could be enough, could it not? Finding others who understood, who had lived in similar metaphorical towers? Yet the more she tried to convince herself that this was all she needed, the more her secret desire to find a maiden grew. Each night, she asked to see the fairest in the land, but still to no avail.
Until one night, when her SmartMirror replied to her, "My lady, you've got mail." She tapped its surface and saw that someone had indeed sent her a message through their own SmartMirror. "I noticed you enjoy the works of Rebecca Sugar," the maiden wrote. "Might I inquire as to your favorite of her creations?"
"Surely Garnet, although I find Pearl to bear a remarkable resemblance to my own mind," the now even more joyous lesbian responded with a smile emoji. Waiting for her companion's reply, she began to wonder anew: could this be the maiden with whom I will share true love's kiss?"
Labels:
elphaba,
maureen,
the fairest in the land
Monday, October 10, 2016
Aufklärung
The good Lord shaped the skies above
And, loving, formed the earth.
He filled with life the nascent orb
Throughout its six day birth,
But did He err, this loving God,
To add but one cursed tree?
"If ye should eat," the Serpent said,
"Then ye shall be as He."
And so the Woman and the Man
Forgot their rightful place,
And learned of Good and Wicked things
and, knowing, lost His grace.
The ever-loving, ever-true,
Yet ever-righteous Lord
Forbade them now of Life to eat
Enforcing by the Sword.
Is knowledge then, the greatest sin?
Is learning then a curse?
Does steady gain bring steady loss
Does betterment make worse?
Would then a new Prometheus
Who steals for us new flame
Bring only new depravities
We cannot yet e'en name?
If Knowledge is the cursed fruit
To dash Life on the rocks,
Is then the Flame the Titan brings
Itself Pandora's Box?
We forge on ev'ry day ahead
And never dare look back
Where still the angel and the Sword
Stand ready to attack.
We take our gift from fallen gods
And leave them to their fate.
The Titan bound was soon forgot
Behind Man's speeding gait.
The Fruit and Flame we carry on
To new perversity.
Our Knowledge lighting with its Dark
Modern Prosperity.
Would then a new Prometheus
Who steals for us new flame
Bring only new depravities
We cannot yet e'en name?
If Knowledge is the cursed fruit
To dash Life on the rocks,
Is then the Flame the Titan brings
Itself Pandora's Box?
We forge on ev'ry day ahead
And never dare look back
Where still the angel and the Sword
Stand ready to attack.
We take our gift from fallen gods
And leave them to their fate.
The Titan bound was soon forgot
Behind Man's speeding gait.
The Fruit and Flame we carry on
To new perversity.
Our Knowledge lighting with its Dark
Modern Prosperity.
Sunday, October 09, 2016
An Election's Carol II
"But wait!" Obama cried at the vanishing Foster. "How will I know who these spirits are?"
"You could just ask," said a bearded gentleman suddenly floating all spirity up in the President's bidness. He puffed a cloud of opium smoke into Obama's face.
"Who are you?" cried Obama.
"Do you not recognize me, Hussein?" asked Beardo McOpium.
"Of course I don't. Why would I-- wait! Yes! Charles Darwin?"
"Yes, it is--no, wait." The spirit frowned. "Why would you think I'm Darwin?"
"Well, there's the whole beard thing. And...I guess he makes sense because he killed God in the hearts and minds of the newly damned everywhere."
"He did, sure. But you should be able to identify me. Don't they teach anything anymore?"
"Not since Common Core, which I invented to replace education with tests."
"But you weren't taught under Common Core."
"Yeah, no. But during class I was always imagining I was off golfing instead of doing my job. And look at me now." Obama turned to face you, the reader of the story. "Follow your dreams, kids, and anything is possible."
"O...k," said the spirit.
"So, anyway, who are you, Mr. Undarwin?"
"I'm Karl Marx," remarked Karl Marx marxistly. "Mark me! I am the Ghost of Progressives Past. I have come to remind you of your duty to the gay islamist communist atheistic cult we all serve. Take a hit of this shit." He held the pipe out to Obama.
Obama took a hit of that shit.
"Woah," he said.
beat
"Was something supposed to happen?"
"Nah," said Marx. "But you just zoned for, like, an hour. If you go get Hillary elected, I'll give you some more next time I see you."
"Deal. See you in hell!"
"Praise Satan!" said Marx, evoking the progressive deity that they also denied the existence of.
Obama sat back and enjoyed the rest of the trip.
"You could just ask," said a bearded gentleman suddenly floating all spirity up in the President's bidness. He puffed a cloud of opium smoke into Obama's face.
"Who are you?" cried Obama.
"Do you not recognize me, Hussein?" asked Beardo McOpium.
"Of course I don't. Why would I-- wait! Yes! Charles Darwin?"
"Yes, it is--no, wait." The spirit frowned. "Why would you think I'm Darwin?"
"Well, there's the whole beard thing. And...I guess he makes sense because he killed God in the hearts and minds of the newly damned everywhere."
"He did, sure. But you should be able to identify me. Don't they teach anything anymore?"
"Not since Common Core, which I invented to replace education with tests."
"But you weren't taught under Common Core."
"Yeah, no. But during class I was always imagining I was off golfing instead of doing my job. And look at me now." Obama turned to face you, the reader of the story. "Follow your dreams, kids, and anything is possible."
"O...k," said the spirit.
"So, anyway, who are you, Mr. Undarwin?"
"I'm Karl Marx," remarked Karl Marx marxistly. "Mark me! I am the Ghost of Progressives Past. I have come to remind you of your duty to the gay islamist communist atheistic cult we all serve. Take a hit of this shit." He held the pipe out to Obama.
Obama took a hit of that shit.
"Woah," he said.
beat
"Was something supposed to happen?"
"Nah," said Marx. "But you just zoned for, like, an hour. If you go get Hillary elected, I'll give you some more next time I see you."
"Deal. See you in hell!"
"Praise Satan!" said Marx, evoking the progressive deity that they also denied the existence of.
Obama sat back and enjoyed the rest of the trip.
Saturday, October 08, 2016
Jacques
Jacques Cousteau threw himself down to avoid the razor sharp razors held in the hand of the Chimanticore. He rolled further along the branch to avoid the blow that was surely to follow, but none came. Leaping to his feet, he turned and realized what a mistake he had made. The beast had fooled him. It had not disembowled Jacques while he was vulnerable--perhaps because it knew what doing so would have released--and instead had repositioned itself on his other side. Now Jacques was being forced back away from it towards the very trunk of Yggdrasil itself. At the rate he was moving, he had only moments to find an escape. All he had managed to salvage after the shipwreck in the City Thirteen Leagues Aloft was the Sacred Katana of the Highbladed Greatknives, the Spellbook of Unmaking, and his baseball card collection. If the Ghostqueen of the Hegemony of the Anarchons hadn't taken his mint condition T206 Honus Wagner, he could have perhaps yet bargained for his life. But so incomplete, his collection wouldn't even distract the Chimanticore for a second.
Jacque glanced around, hoping somewhere there was something he missed. Two thousand feet above the clouds, though, there was nothing of use on the massive ash tree. There were a few leaves, thankfully still hibernating since their last feast, a handful of Darkmoths, and-of course!
Jacques sprinted to the Defense Canon. He scrabbled through his beard to find a quarter and quickly inserted it, while the Chimanticore turned to leap away. Before it could get eleven feet, Jacques had the cannon powered and he fired a single wolfsbane laced quicksilver shot. The beast exploded in a cloud of butterflies, which as one gave a scream. Jacques trembled at the sound.
For this would wake the leaves.
Friday, October 07, 2016
Reflection at the Victory Column
God bless the artistic degenerates,
Whose work half forgotten remains.
And God bless the writers whose courage ran free
While they themselves languished in chains.
God bless all the leftists who rose up in arms
To cast down congealed kings on cold thrones.
And God bless the lovers of men like themselves
Now buried beneath stinging stone.
God bless the displaced in a land not their own
Whose lands drove them out by the sword.
And God bless the preachers who stood by the truth
Condemning themselves by the Word.
God bless all the willows that stood in the winds
While their rivers were poisoned and dried.
May God let us never forget how the strong
Were chopped down--in martyrdom died.
Whose work half forgotten remains.
And God bless the writers whose courage ran free
While they themselves languished in chains.
God bless all the leftists who rose up in arms
To cast down congealed kings on cold thrones.
And God bless the lovers of men like themselves
Now buried beneath stinging stone.
God bless the displaced in a land not their own
Whose lands drove them out by the sword.
And God bless the preachers who stood by the truth
Condemning themselves by the Word.
God bless all the willows that stood in the winds
While their rivers were poisoned and dried.
May God let us never forget how the strong
Were chopped down--in martyrdom died.
Thursday, October 06, 2016
Delinquent
They tell us he's
"Delinquent."
He doesn't do
His homework.
He mocks
Teachers.
He smokes.
During class.
In
The classroom.
He has
Tattoos.
And swears at us.
They say we're
"Bad Parents."
We can't control
Our son.
But, I mean
God,
he's cool.
"Delinquent."
He doesn't do
His homework.
He mocks
Teachers.
He smokes.
During class.
In
The classroom.
He has
Tattoos.
And swears at us.
They say we're
"Bad Parents."
We can't control
Our son.
But, I mean
God,
he's cool.
Wednesday, October 05, 2016
"My dear Mr. Bennet, have you heard that a rather pleasant site is let at last?"
It is a truth
universally acknowledged that a high school student applying to college must be
aware of her major and probable future career.
As a result, for
longer than she can remember, the girl has been asked by numerous friends and
even more numerous relatives what she wants to be when she grows up (or, later,
the subject in which she will major in college). From year to year, the answers vary widely –
from a veterinarian (one trip to a local cow farm cured that) to the first
female President. But in the back of her
mind, the idea of teaching always percolated.
It was her fallback answer, when she could not think of anything else to
be.
It started when
she was young, maybe six or seven, and she sat in the front of church for a
children’s lesson. The pastor was
explaining to all of the children how everyone should use the gifts and
abilities God gave them. He gives some
examples by telling a few children the talents they have, and how they might
use them. He looks at the girl and says,
“You’re nice, and you like to help other people. Maybe you could be a teacher.” Her mother is a teacher, too, but this does not
deter the girl – on the contrary, she likes the idea of being “just like
Mommy.”
As she gets older,
though, the idea fades and becomes less appealing. She continues to change her mind almost as
often as the weather in Wisconsin changes: first a private investigator, then a
singer in a rock band, then a writer, then a missionary. Still, though, she thinks about
teaching. As she gets to middle school
and receives the reputation of “smart kid,” she starts helping her classmates
with their homework during classes, study hall, or on the rare occasions when
they even call her house. She likes the
feeling of being needed.
One specific
instance stands out in her mind even years later. A fellow eighth-grader and friend, Hailey, calls for math homework help.
When Hailey and the girl are about halfway through the problems, Hailey
says, “I’m smarter than I thought I was!”
“Yeah, that’s what
most people say when they ask for help.”
“Yeah,” Hailey
concedes (with the advanced vocabulary all thirteen-year-olds seem to have),
“but you explain things in a way people can get them. You’re good at that.”
The girl
positively glows for the rest of the evening.
Eighth grade and
most of high school pass. At this point,
she is positive about her college major: Secondary Education with an English
emphasis. She will be a high school
English teacher. For Winterim during her
senior year, she interns at her middle school alma
mater. She teaches fifth grade Spelling,
eighth grade Literature (they read The
Diary of Anne Frank), and helps her mother teach music to the
fifth-through-eighth-graders.
She teaches all
kinds of literary devices to the eighth-graders: plot diagramming, static vs.
dynamic characters, symbols, foreshadowing, etc. Despite the fact that there are only five in
the class (or maybe because of it), they all participate when she asks them to
do so. As she teaches, it feels as
natural as breathing. One day, they
discuss point of view and character bias.
She asks them if they think Anne’s description of the events she records
are accurate. They look slightly
confused, so she uses her favorite musical, Wicked,
as an example.
“How many of you
have heard of the musical Wicked?” One or two raise their hands. “Well, it’s the story of The Wizard of Oz, but told from the Wicked Witch of the West’s
point of view. It explains why she
became so ‘wicked,’ all the characters’ backstories, and things like that. Now, if you saw both musicals, whom do you
think would have a more accurate picture of what happened in Oz? Dorothy or the Witch?”
One boy, Ross, replies, “The Witch,” immediately.
But another boy, Luke, raises his hand and says, “Wait, wouldn’t it be… kinda both?”
The girl (almost a
woman; her eighteenth birthday is less than two weeks away) hides her excitement
and asks, “Why would it be both?”
“Well, they’re
both… you know, different…” He struggles with the words, but the girl can see
that he understands the concept.
“That’s exactly
right,” she says with a smile, and goes on to explain that every character has
some kind of bias about the events of a story.
This little memory sticks with her for the rest of the internship and
afterward. She truly feels like a
teacher, called to instruct adolescents.
Luke's ability to think critically makes her so proud of “her”
students.
When she thinks
about it now, the girl realizes that these three people are rather unlikely
influences. As she got older, she
disliked the pastor’s personality. She
and Hailey are friends, but never best friends.
Luke did not seem like the sharpest sword in the armory, and his
older sister had made the girl’s life a nightmare during middle school. Nonetheless, she was “ever sensible of the
warmest gratitude” toward the three—who, by their brief interactions, had been
the means of uniting the girl with her calling.
Tuesday, October 04, 2016
The Rime of the Ancient Once-ler, Part 1
It is an ancient Once-ler
You meet at edge of town.
Once paid he calls by Whisper Phone
He slowly lowers down.
The Grickle-grass grows still below
The cold wind does not blow.
And even birds respect the calm
From chick to oldest crow.
He takes your cents and copper nail
And puts them in his Snuvv,
So too the ancient mollusk's shell
Does vanish in his glove.
He clears his throat and takes a breath
This Once-ler yet unseen,
And through the snergly hose he speaks
Of when the grass was green.
You hold the phone up to your ear
And pray to clearly hear
The quiet strangled secrets of
The furtive Once-ler.
"The cart was filled, investors thrilled
Merrily I drove
Past ponds yet clean, past rivers wet,
Past clouds still white above.
The Swomee Swans flew forward off
And flew from east to west
I followed on; They sang their songs;
I knew their way was best.
Further and further every day
Towards this distant land--"
You ask him then if this was when
The Lorax here did stand.
The street on which you walked to here
Is Lifted Lorax Way.
Perhaps this man will tell you soon
Who carried him away.
You ask him now if this was then
And pray yet still to hear
The quiet strangled secrets of
The furtive Once-ler.
"And then I saw the Bar-ba-loots
Who frisked in their brown suits
And ate the strangest foreign crop,
Some yet unheard of fruits.
With liquid notes of perfect tone
As one who often sings alone
Can use the time to careful hone
His voice as he would wish,
Then sang out loud a mighty crowd
Of merry Humming-Fish.
And then there came the Truffulas
The most astounding trees
They felt of silk, or some such ilk,
They scented ev'ry breeze.
And in that wood I stopped for good
And quickly set up shop.
A businessman, I forged a plan
To reach the tufts atop.
My axe chopped here, my axe chopped there
My axe chopped all around:
The tree did sway and soon gave way
And crashed down to the ground.
And from the stump there rose a form
Out of the wood it came!
And with a mossy voice it spoke
The Lorax was its name.
He bid me stay and hear his words
And gave a dusty sneeze
"The wood is dumb; it has no tongue,
I speak here for the trees."
I saw the thing but kept at work
And worked with lighting speed.
He held his fit while I did knit
A wondrous proto-Thneed.
The Lorax huffed, the Lorax puffed
He nearly tore a lung.
"What is a Thneed? Whence comes thy greed?"
"Don't worry, sir, I'm done."
But here the Once-ler hesitates
"The Market...it has needs.
There's work to do, I'll build a crew
To manufacture Thneeds."
You meet at edge of town.
Once paid he calls by Whisper Phone
He slowly lowers down.
The Grickle-grass grows still below
The cold wind does not blow.
And even birds respect the calm
From chick to oldest crow.
He takes your cents and copper nail
And puts them in his Snuvv,
So too the ancient mollusk's shell
Does vanish in his glove.
He clears his throat and takes a breath
This Once-ler yet unseen,
And through the snergly hose he speaks
Of when the grass was green.
You hold the phone up to your ear
And pray to clearly hear
The quiet strangled secrets of
The furtive Once-ler.
"The cart was filled, investors thrilled
Merrily I drove
Past ponds yet clean, past rivers wet,
Past clouds still white above.
The Swomee Swans flew forward off
And flew from east to west
I followed on; They sang their songs;
I knew their way was best.
Further and further every day
Towards this distant land--"
You ask him then if this was when
The Lorax here did stand.
The street on which you walked to here
Is Lifted Lorax Way.
Perhaps this man will tell you soon
Who carried him away.
You ask him now if this was then
And pray yet still to hear
The quiet strangled secrets of
The furtive Once-ler.
"And then I saw the Bar-ba-loots
Who frisked in their brown suits
And ate the strangest foreign crop,
Some yet unheard of fruits.
With liquid notes of perfect tone
As one who often sings alone
Can use the time to careful hone
His voice as he would wish,
Then sang out loud a mighty crowd
Of merry Humming-Fish.
And then there came the Truffulas
The most astounding trees
They felt of silk, or some such ilk,
They scented ev'ry breeze.
And in that wood I stopped for good
And quickly set up shop.
A businessman, I forged a plan
To reach the tufts atop.
My axe chopped here, my axe chopped there
My axe chopped all around:
The tree did sway and soon gave way
And crashed down to the ground.
And from the stump there rose a form
Out of the wood it came!
And with a mossy voice it spoke
The Lorax was its name.
He bid me stay and hear his words
And gave a dusty sneeze
"The wood is dumb; it has no tongue,
I speak here for the trees."
I saw the thing but kept at work
And worked with lighting speed.
He held his fit while I did knit
A wondrous proto-Thneed.
The Lorax huffed, the Lorax puffed
He nearly tore a lung.
"What is a Thneed? Whence comes thy greed?"
"Don't worry, sir, I'm done."
But here the Once-ler hesitates
"The Market...it has needs.
There's work to do, I'll build a crew
To manufacture Thneeds."
Labels:
Reogan,
The Rime of the Ancient Once-ler
Monday, October 03, 2016
Rebirth
He thought he would post
Just a little bit more
Just to see if the others would know.
He waited a week.
He waited for four.
Not a hint of a new status quo.
So he set out to post
On the regular, yo
And revitalize this all alone.
For the Founder was changed
By the years, joy, and woe,
And 'twas time to see how he had grown.
But when he set out
Once again to the scene
To unleash to the world something new
It seemed someone had come
And so someone had seen,
And the project belonged now to two.
With the Witch from the North
(Though she claims "of the West")
The new project would be of new ease.
And they'll toil along
And they'll quit if that's best
Or they'll work til the Missing One sees.
For though he is gone
He was most loath to go
And his absence was last to take hold.
And perhaps he'll return,
To resume the old show
And we'll birth a new age of new gold.
But the plan from the first
Was to build and not call
And though one of the host is returned
We continue to make.
May our writing recall
What we were joined to what we have learned.
Just a little bit more
Just to see if the others would know.
He waited a week.
He waited for four.
Not a hint of a new status quo.
So he set out to post
On the regular, yo
And revitalize this all alone.
For the Founder was changed
By the years, joy, and woe,
And 'twas time to see how he had grown.
But when he set out
Once again to the scene
To unleash to the world something new
It seemed someone had come
And so someone had seen,
And the project belonged now to two.
With the Witch from the North
(Though she claims "of the West")
The new project would be of new ease.
And they'll toil along
And they'll quit if that's best
Or they'll work til the Missing One sees.
For though he is gone
He was most loath to go
And his absence was last to take hold.
And perhaps he'll return,
To resume the old show
And we'll birth a new age of new gold.
But the plan from the first
Was to build and not call
And though one of the host is returned
We continue to make.
May our writing recall
What we were joined to what we have learned.
Sunday, October 02, 2016
An Election's Carol
Barack Obama, Hussein to his friends, rolled over once more, trying to get comfortable. This late in his second and final term, he was sleeping as poorly as he had before he had found and returned to Hillary the damning evidence that would prove Foster's murder. Apparently, it had been just stuck under the mattress. He had asked her about that one.
"Wait! I also have this outline of how 9/11 was an inside job."
"Oh, that's not mine. Probably was put there after I left."
"Seriously, Chill," he said (she liked to be called Chillary nowadays), "Why would you hide the blackmail letters and depression-inducing drugs right where anyone could find them?"
"Well what else was I-" She broke into a coughing fit. "Sorry, what-HCKK-what was I supposed to do with them. Leave them on the nightstand?"
"You could just destroy the evidence, like I did back when I immigrated from Kenya."
"Destroy the evidence?" She seemed to be overwhelmed by this new idea.
"Yeah, just delete it from the record."
"Delete?" She furrowed her brow in thought and then gasped, pulling out her Blackberry. "I gotta go! I have 30,000...meetings to go to. Heh."
"Wait! I also have this outline of how 9/11 was an inside job."
"Oh, that's not mine. Probably was put there after I left."
Those were the days. Now she was off on the campaign trail, and she'd recently invited the Obamas along. Barack had refused. He beat her to the Oval Office. He wasn't gonna back no loser. Michelle had accepted, though. Now he was alone at the White House, his daughters being off at their Aunt Ginsburg's seminar on how to destroy the Constitution when they grew up to be secret Muslim gay abortionist activist justices like herself. Hopefully they had enough at the seance to call up both Malcolm X and Margaret Sanger, but really all that mattered was that they had fun.
He glanced at the clock. 11:59 PM. He sighed. He'd gone to bed immediately after evening prayers to Mecca, but he just couldn't sleep. He found his box of cigs in the darkness. With the girls out, he could at least do something to make the night go a little more smoothly. He lit a match and nearly screamed at the ghostly face he saw.
"Who are you?" he cried.
"Do you not recognize me, Hussein?" asked the apparition.
"Of course I don't. Why would I-- wait! Yes! Vince Foster?"
"It is I."
"But you were taken care of decades ago!"
"BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA!" thundered the apparition spookily. "I have come to show you the error of your ways. Three spirits will visit you tonight, and they shall reveal to you what will happen if you allow your illegal executive actions to be reversed by the next president. Only by stumping for Hillary will you prevent the rise of the righteous Christian nation the Founding Fathers intended."
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Pokémon: The Golden Apocalypse, Chapter Twenty-Seven
Perhaps Nyoromo was not entirely helpless, but the occasional bubble was no match for the vicious flock that waited outside. They wouldn't be able to fight their way out, but it was doubtful they could stay here either. The wind was picking up again, and loose dirt and small rocks were beginning to trickle down into the shallow cave they sheltered in. The might of the birds probably couldn't tear the tree from the soil, but Red suspected they could find some way to kill or expose them if they had long enough.
"You don't have any other attacks you've been hiding from me, do you?" asked Red.
"Wag," said Nyoromo, looking a little deflated.
"Hey, no. Don't feel bad. You did good fending off that thing. We'd already be done for if not for you."
"Poli?"
"Yes, really," said Red, feeling foolish that he was holding a conversation with an animal.
"Poliwag!" Before Red could stop him, Nyoromo scurried out to the entrance, puffed up to his large size. He staggered for a moment in the wind before blowing a bubble. Or, rather, attempting to blow the bubble. The film was pushed flat against his face by the gale, which grew stronger and stronger until Nyoromo flew back and bounced off Red's head, landing in his lap.
"Ow!" Red cried. "Are you okay, Nyoro- Ow!" He rubbed his forehead where a pebble had struck him. The incoming detritus was growing in both size and amount. Before Nyoromo could do anything stupid, Red scooped the little thing up in his pack. Ignoring the pokémon's cries, he folded his arms over it and waited with his head bowed against the rising storm. Twigs and rocks struck almost continually, but none had enough force to draw blood. Red reminded himself of this fact repeatedly to aid his struggle against panic.
The winds continued for some long minutes, and Red shifted uncomfortably. When this proved difficult, he opened his eyes, blinking in the dust. The little cave he was in was filling up with dirt, and he was slowly being buried. Though he wasn't in immediate peril, it was clear that he would either be forced to face the pidgey's avenging family or accept that he sat in his own tomb.
Red pulled out Nyoromo and whispered fiercely to the tiny pokémon that surely could not comprehend. "We're going to make a break for it. It's our only hope, and it's a small one. I'm going to carry you out. If you have any more attacks, use them. It's life or death. Hopefully, they'll give up if they don't see the dead pidgey." He stuffed that in the bag. "If they stop me, I'm going to throw you and you'll have to run and hide. Don't come back. Neither of us can beat these. Got it?"
Nyoromo gurgled.
"I guess that's good enough. Here we go, then. One. Two. Three!"
Red heaved himself from the hole, but the dirt around him held him tighter than he had thought, and he fell flat on his face in the open. He hadn't even had time to get Nyoromo to safety. He braced himself for the inevitable attack.
Then he realized that the forest had fallen silent. No shrieks. No wind. Everything was still until one high-pitched little voice spoke.
"Pika?"
Friday, April 17, 2015
Organizationally Defunct
defunct
[dih-fuhngkt]
1.
no longer in effect or use; not operating or functioning:
a defunct law; a defunct organization.
2.
no longer in existence; dead; extinct:
a defunct person; a defunct tribe of Indians.
3.
the defunct, the dead person referred to:
the survivors of the defunct.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Stay Focused
Thinking.
Thinking
you have
thoughts
is the same
as having
thoughts.
Thinking
is
full of
feeling.
Words.
Words on
a page.
Thinking you have
thoughts.
Then writing them.
Does that
make them real?
Yes.
You can't
undo
what has been
done.
Stay
focused.
Thinking
you have
thoughts
is the same
as having
thoughts.
Thinking
is
full of
feeling.
Words.
Words on
a page.
Thinking you have
thoughts.
Then writing them.
Does that
make them real?
Yes.
You can't
undo
what has been
done.
Stay
focused.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
The Analytics of Listening
After working in Sports Information for 6 years, I've developed a penchant for analytics. Here's my current top most listened to artists dictated by my iPod and beginning on August 22nd, 2010. I've attached a brief description as to (1) why they hold the position they do, (2) what meaning the music has to me, and (3) what albums I listen to the most. I'll add hyperlinks at request.
- Luke Wieting - 11d 2h 50m (7.02%)
- Luke's comfortable lead used to be much wider. Essentially, I listened to the album Currents every other night for almost all of 2011. I still frequent many of his shorter compositions for film.
- I know Luke through a friend I went to school with. He grew up in relatively the same area I do and I feel a close connection to the vibe his music tends to emit. I have a lot of respect for what he does and the way his music conveys hope, determination, and beauty.
- Currents, Towing: Original Score, Reclamation: Original Score
- Stephen Drury - 9d 20h 31m (6.23%)
- Stephen Drury is the listed artist for all of the pieces I have composed by John Cage. I frequently use Cage in my relaxation playlists, contributing to the high score here. In fact, it is mostly the two tracks Dream (composed in 1948) and In A Landscape (also composed in 1948) that help maintain this position (with 595 and 912 plays respectively and growing).
- Dream and In A Landscape both drift seamlessly through each note. It's mesmerizing. I also appreciate Cage's experimental approach to music and it has no doubt informed some of my contemporary choices.
- In A Landscape
- Oliver Sadie - 5d 9h 58m (3.42%)
- I spent a long time going through Oliver Sadie tracks when I first discovered his music. He has a solid knack for improvisation and it's wonderful to see how his production has increased.
- I'm really attracted to Oliver's spontaneous creativity that shines through many of his pieces. Even the more deliberately planned tracks exude a sense of peacefulness and confidence that comes as a result of being familiar with the medium and the various ways in which it can be used.
- I tend to listen to Oliver's music in sets. I would love to see him release a concept album one day, but I'm more than content with the way things are organized right now. Improvs 4 & 5 have a lot of plays in my library as do most of the tracks that became organized on his debut album, Finding Stars.
- Hans Zimmer - 5d 9h 46m (3.42%)
- My transition to more classically organized music began with exploration of move soundtracks. The field seems Zimmer dominated so it's hard not to avoid or enjoy his work. Many of his soundtracks have provided the intense, driving, or grand mood for my work.
- Hans Zimmer knows where to stick the music in the movie. I meticulously organize my soundtracks for both video games and movies in the order in which they appear in the media. Zimmer's music has become a catalyst for story telling and the vibe each of his pieces evoke has often helped me through many late night projects.
- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, Inception, Angels & Demons
- Nils Frahm - 4d 22h 32m (3.12%)
- Ever since finding Screws online, I've been digesting Frahm's work faster than most of my food. Seeing him live in September of 2013 has only bolstered my dedication to enjoying his masterpieces. Frahm has only appeared in the top ten list within the last month and continues to rise. I listen to his tracks whenever I find the time.
- Nils Frahm makes some truly magnificent music. It was incredible to see a live performance that featured the same basic structure as his album tracks, but improvised in such a way that it deserved an album in its own right. Frahm's music hits a lot of emotions, but in a balanced way. He always brings the feelings home. Frahm's work also features some more experimental or modern compositional techniques keeping his work fresh. Simply brilliant.
- Screws, Felt, Spaces, Stare EP (with Olafur Arnalds)
- Nick Lammertyn - 4d 13h 11m (2.87%)
- Nick's vgPiano arrangement of the Super Metroid Ending takes the cake for most plays with 938. I find that Nick brings a fairly unique style to composition for media in my library, earning him a top spot.
- I really dig the Super Metroid Ending Piano for its use of emotion and source material. Nick's other pieces have a similar depth in emotion, depth, action, and transition. This is a pretty impressive score for an artist with no proper albums in my library and only 13 tracks.
- Tracks/Sets: vgPiano Super Metroid Project Ending Piano, Brandpunt set, Climax Final, Administrators (I find this works particularly well with the short film)
- The Alvaret Ensemble - 4d 8h 41m (2.76%)
- If you're friends with me on Facebook, you're more than aware how much I've been listening to this. The Alvaret Ensemble is a "supergroup." Comprised of some of the top talent in modern composition, alternative experimental, and the so called neoclassical genre, its uniqueness is refreshing and open. This artist/album has calmed me through many late nights. To clarify, The Alvaret Ensemble is simultaneously the name of the group and of their debut album, their only formal release to date. So yes, this one album is number 7 on a list for most listened to artists.
- Simply phenomenal. Honestly, I was taken aback at first by the unique approach employed by this album. It's really free flowing and ambient without being electronic. The Alvaret Ensemble is a wonder of modern composition, but free of the electronics so prevalent in today's music. Instead of lyrics, poetry spoken in Frisian peppers tracks, the delivery of which contributes heavily to the sense of wonder, mysticism, and beauty that permeates the album. In so many ways, this album is about restraint. The silence between each note makes every sound all the more powerful. The Alvaret Ensemble is pure brilliance. The seemingly paradoxical deliberateness and spontaneous nature of each sound evokes in me feelings of intense joy and reverence for the beautiful world we live in and the potential that exists all around us. When talking to Nils Frahm about this album, he told me I had good taste. Nils Frahm recommends this album, 'nuff said.
- The Alvaret Ensemble is both a single artist and the name of the debut album. If you get one thing from this list, it is that you should listen to this album. It is awesome.
- Martin O'Donnell & Michael Salvatori - 4d 5h 55m (2.68%)
- All things Halo makes for good road trip music or anything which involves sitting down for a couple hours and plugging away at a task.
- O'Donnell and Salvatori's work on the Halo series has produced some of my favorite video game scores. Striking both grand and intimate moments such as in Halo 3 and Halo 3 ODST, these two artists display a well rounded knowledge of how to use a mix of percussion, orchestra, and electronics for a video game. I particularly enjoy how many of the tracks are rhythmically driven.
- Halo 3 ODST, Halo 3
- 12 Followers/Meteo Xavier - 3d 9h 7m (2.14%)
- It's kind of hard to avoid putting this on the top ten when amateur analyzing the heck out of every second of an album like I did for the aRPS podcast. That being said, I'm not complaining. Meteo Xavier's ambient tracks are great for late evening listening.
- I've kind of already discussed this thoroughly in the podcast, but I feel simple structure, dispersed electronic elements, and unique samples really help make his debut album a unique offering full of intrigue. The concept behind it flows really well and contributes to the sense of fullness and completeness that comes at the conclusion of a playthrough. Meteo Xavier can clearly deploy a variety of styles and do it fairly well, a talent I have a lot of respect for.
- Espers (79 total album plays)
- Blake Neeley - 3d 7h 40m
- All but one of my tracks from composer Blake Neely are from the soundtrack for the U.S. television series, The Mentalist.
- The Mentalist is an interesting show in itself, but Neely's score really seals the deal. Using a variety of electronic and percussive elements to keep things fresh, many tracks feel polished, slick, and snappy--perfectly suited for the show.
- The Mentalist (Original Soundtrack)
Here are some artists who aren't in the top ten, but whose plays are on the rise in my library.
- Helios
- If I labeled every track composed by Keith Kenniff as such, I have no doubt he'd be in the top ten. Helios is Kennif's moniker for post-rock and electronic music. Most of the plays in this department come from his 2006 album, Eingya, which is a solid offering of emotionally uplifting ambient electronic and post-rock music.
- Helios is currently 11th.
- Little People
- With the reduced pacing and increased rhythmic complexity of his most recent album, We Are But Hunks of Wood, Little People continues to impress me with whimsical and groovy beats. Aldgate Patters is simply mesmerizing.
- Little People is currently 14th.
- Johann Johannsson
- Johann Johannsson I'm told is one of the driving forces behind modern composition and minimalism. My experience with Johannsson comes from the album Fordlandia, which I am highly impressed with for its sense of immense relief, grandeur, and beauty. Fordlandia currently has 54 plays as an album, a number that will likely continue to increase. I also plan on picking up some other Johannsson works.
- Johann Johannsson (Fordlandia only) is currently 16th
- Peter Broderick
- Peter Broderick is always willing to try new things. Perhaps one could see him as the American counterpart to Olafur Arnalds or Nils Frahm. There is certainly no lack of collaboration between them. Broderick has reawoken my desire to listen to new sounds and try new types of music even if they initially sound unappealing to me. It's neat to see Broderick try a multitude of styles while forging a new path.
- Peter Broderick is currently 19th
- Ben Lukas Boysen
- I'm told Ben Lukas Boysen is a sound designer. From his most recent release, Gravity, it's not hard to tell. Boysen's notes are chosen carefully and create solid structural pieces whose spacing evokes a subtle sense of peace and joy.
- Ben Lukas Boysen is currently 22nd
- Olafur Arnalds
- I had the privilege of seeing Olafur Arnalds in his first trip to Seattle this past September. While I was primarily there to see Nils Frahm, I knew Arnalds would impress. His use of violin, piano, and electronics combined with his early background in heavy metal music makes for a unique emotional experience.
- Olafur Arnalds is currently 26th
That's what I've been listening too lately. I still enjoy many of the independent artists I've set up this blog to promote, but I find myself pausing to wonder at the nature of the very thing I'm promoting. My experience with music is informed by a very amateur understanding of the subject--an understanding which I am hoping to broaden. Many of these artists have informed my own contributions to music as seen in my recent releases of Soliloquy of Renovation and Pieces EP.
When I first began to tackle music on aRPS, it was borne out of the desire to promote independent artists in need of recognition for their hard work. At the time, these artists were a result of my explorations on OverClocked ReMix, a community dedicated to the appreciation and reinterpretation of video game music. As a result, aRPS seemed geared towards indie electronica by default. I felt like this approach was expanded with an increased involvement in the SoundCloud community. Now I stand at a bit of a crossroads, not sure what necessarily qualifies as indie music and what music needs promoting or not. Regardless, I will continue to share what I think should be listened to. I encourage you to do your own exploration and check out some websites run by people who actually specialize in music. To that end, I highly recommend checking out these sites.
In particular, I find the about section of the Audio Intimacy blog to be a worthy read. The crossroads I mentioned earlier not only stems from my inexperience with music on a professional level, but also from my desire to see aRPS pursue its other objectives in being pleasant for video games and literature. Therefore, it's very likely that any official release of A Rather Pleasant Site, which has been delayed indefinitely at this point, will be the result of a collaborative and conceptual effort to unify the importance of video games, literature, and music as influential art forms as well as entertainment.
As a closing note, I'd like to point out that while I love analytics, this is not meant as a basis for comparing music. I find it fascinating to see how my taste and experience of music has evolved over the years, but I still hold many of the artists I no longer listen to as frequently with as much if not more respect for what I'm currently listening to. It is interesting to note the circumstances that lead to certain artists receiving many plays.
What do you listen to and why?
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